Loneliness Knows Me
by Shadow of Arashi
Summary: This is a songfic I wrote about Matt, during season 01 in the digiworld. It have a lot of angst and a veeeeeery little romance, with one side Taito and Taiora. Please read and review ? *smiles hopefully*


Author milo Mi 2 2 2001-10-25T18:48:00Z 2001-10-25T18:48:00Z 4 1916 10923 MILO 91 21 13414 9.2812 21 0 pt 0 pt 0 0 0 pt 0 pt 

Author's notes: When I first heard that song, I just fell out of my chair. It's so beautiful I just sat there with my mouth open! And right after, this fic came to me. The story was writing itself in my mind with the lyrics and I couldn't do anything but write it. It was screaming at me YAMATO! It's so totally him don't you think? Well the fact is that this fic also has a lot of myself in it, because that song kinda applied to me as well. *smiles sadly* I was a loner most of my life, but not by choice. But with time I made it a sort of strength somehow. Now enough ranting and on with the story! 

Warning: Major angst and yaoi, one-side Taito (I insisted in the order, in Taito Matt is the UKE! Keep that in mind when you read my stories please, though in this one love is not the principal plot of the story.). Oh and it's my first POV, so be nice. It's Matt's POV by the way. The scene takes place during season 01, after Matt ran from one of his fights with Tai.  

Disclaimer: I'm not even getting into that…

Loneliness Knows Me 

By Shadow Of Arashi

_Loneliness is always looking for a friend_

_It found me once and it has been around since then_

Loneliness is never waiting by the door 

_It sweeps right through and it will never be ignored_

I'm running. I do that a lot lately. Not like I haven't run from my problems before in my life, but now I'm running from my so-called friends, running away and into the dark forest. I'm running so fast that I can't seem to breathe anymore and my eyes are watering. At last I stopped, but not of my own free will. I stopped because my right foot caught in something, and I fell hard on the ground, head first.

I blinked as white spots danced in my eyes and sat on the ground, wiping my face before looking around me. I can't see the fire that Tai had made, so I guess I'm pretty far from the others. Good. I didn't feel like facing them right now. I sighed and let myself fall back on the ground, my eyes staring at the black sky above me and my arms crossed behind my head. It was so peaceful here… Not like when I'm with the others.

It really makes me sad, all those fights. Honestly, I don't like them at all; I just can't seem to prevent them. It hurts to think of Tai and the others, but I never say a thing. I just don't see the point in doing so. They don't understand. They can say what they want, but nobody can truly understand. Why? Because for that, they would need to know exactly what I feel and what I have in mind, and they can't know that. I can't tell them either thing. If I do, I bare my soul, and who is honestly ready to do that eh? If you are then congratulations, but I know I'm not.

_Why, why was I chosen?_

_Why am I left without?_

I feel so alone now, and I hate it. Yeah I know it's not logic that me of all people, Mr. Ice, hate being alone but I do. In fact, I think I just hate to know that nobody cares for me, because that's how I feel. Besides this, I know I enjoy being by myself a lot. When I'm by myself, I can think, or do things that are just mine and that I can't share with anybody. They don't understand that. 

Why? Why me? I feel so out of place. I wonder if it's not effectively me who is crazy. After all, how can it be that someone can both hate and enjoy loneliness so much? I feel like some sort of curse has been thrown upon me, or as if loneliness has chosen me. Chosen me for what? Maybe as her child, I wouldn't know, but it feels like it. I just seem to attract loneliness to me. Whatever I do, I always end up alone.

_The Love of my life, the love that I need_

_The love that they say is in life for free_

_The love of my dreams, the love that I want_

_Loneliness knows my by name_

I sighed once more and closed my eyes. Almost as soon as I did, a mental image of Tai appeared in my mind making me even sadder. Tai… our leader. I think I love him you know. I said think, because I'm really not sure of my feelings. It's so confusing, and damn, I'm just eleven years old!

I don't know a damn thing about love either, considering I have never been in love before. But I know that when I think of him, I feel warmer inside. I dream of him sometimes too. But I'm not stupid, I know he is not for me. I see the way he looks at Sora. She is one lucky girl… She will surely make him happier than I could, that's for sure. And after all, people say that two boys aren't supposed to be together. 

So you see, when I said I draw loneliness to me, I wasn't kidding. I'm even denied the only person that ever made me feel something else beside emptiness. Who made me feel that heat and warmth. God only knows that I need it. My father certainly could never give me that; he is never here. And my mother left with TK, my little brother. And as for him, he is growing up. Soon even he won't need me anymore. All my life I tried to take care of TK, but who will ever take care of me?

_Loneliness knows everything I keep inside_

_My endless thoughts in the silence of the night_

_Loneliness is the one who made me see_

_Ain't nobody else who can make a change but me_

When I think about it, I realised that the only thing that has always been with me no matter what happened was loneliness. It was the only thing that never left me, unlike my parents, and my friends… It's like it has become a part of me. Maybe it has. But that doesn't bother me. After all, it may become my closest friend. How ironic for the keeper of Friendship… 

Now I'm wondering about something Tai told me a few days ago. It was during another of our fights I believe, but my memory is in a daze right now . . . He said I wasn't making an effort to change and help the group. He also said that he couldn't do everything. I didn't understand his words then, but now I think I do. 

Others can't change me. They never could. I'm the one who needs to decide to change or not. Does it mean I can decide not to be a loner anymore? I don't know; it's too much for me . . . But, wasn't that the reason I ran away? Because they were asking me to change when I couldn't? Or rather didn't want to . . . I think it's more likely that. I remember Tai's words from earlier . . .

_Why, why was I chosen?_

_Why am I left without?_

I remember them and they are painful . . .

/Damn it Matt, can't you change and be mature for once? You are drawing the rest of us down! You selfish bastard!/ 

I didn't mean to make you angry Tai . . . I never meant to hurt anyone . . .

_The Love of my life, the love that I need_

The love that they say is in life for free 

_The love of my dreams, the love that I want_

_Loneliness knows my by name_

I truly don't know what to do anymore. Should I go back to the others? They didn't seem to want me anymore, especially Tai. Guess I won't ever have to tell him my secret finally. It's better that way, I'm sure. They don't need me. They are a team and I can't work as a team. The lone wolf of the pack…

But… somehow… I know I can still help. I feel it, but they won't let me. They don't work the same way as me. That's why I always clash with Tai. Makes me wonder why destiny chose me as a Chosen Child. It's like a bad joke, really! Come on, how am I suppose to help save the digital world from evil with a bunch of children when they can't accept me as I am…  

_Less is more and that would be the vacant space_

_The cried out tears and a never ending maze_

_I have found what only loneliness provides_

A strength within knowing I will find 

I let out a frustrated sigh and rise from my spot on the ground. Then I open my eyes. I had kept them closed the whole time, only to blink when I couldn't see anything. My eyes clear the same second that I feel something running down my cheeks. I touch my cheek with my gloved hand, and saw water.

What? Oh… I'm crying, that's why… Why am I crying? I don't feel very sad anymore, so what is wrong with me? I wiped off the tears and glanced at the sky, feeling cold air biting into my bare arms. Suddenly it hit me. I was just mourning a part of me that had died tonight. Which part I wasn't sure, but I know something was missing in me. 

_The love of my life, the love that I need_

_The love that they say is in life for free_

_The love of my dreams, the love that I want_

Loneliness knows my by name 

While I was looking inside of me for that missing part, I realized that finally, I didn't need that part anymore. It may have disappeared, but I hadn't changed that much. No, forget that, I had changed, and I didn't even notice it. I was so deep into my sorrow that I didn't see what my loneliness had given me.

Don't ask me how, but I knew that I had changed at last, like them, despite my loneliness or maybe thanks to my loneliness. I was feeling empty till now, and I now felt… strong? Yes… definitely stronger than before. Loneliness hardened me maybe, but I know I can't be hurt as easily now. 

But that means I can help them! That means I won't worry, or feel sad anymore when I am all alone. I will just… be there. That's all I can do. I will be there no matter what, even if I do feel like they don't care. Be there for my friends… Strange how that simple thought made me feel so calm all of a sudden. Wait, what's happening to my crest?! 

_The love of my life, the love that I need_

_The love that they say is in life for free_

_The love of my dreams, the love that I want_

Loneliness knows my by name 

As I looked down to my crest, I saw it starting to glow a soft light and it had taken on a deep blue color. What does it mean? Did I do something that made it react? I hope it doesn't affect Gabumon in a bad way…

But it seems like a good thing, so it can't be. I smile as my crest slowly turns back into its usual color. Then I realised that it was time to go home now. It must have been a while since I had left. But there is something I want to do first. Even since my crest began to glow two minutes ago, I wanted to write a song, since I love music so much. It has always been my way to express my feelings.

I quickly dropped on my knees and pulled out of my pocket a little piece of paper and a pen I always keep with me in case I get ideas and started to write. It didn't take long, and I admire my work with, I confess some pride. The song looked really good to me, and I finished it by writing the music on the back of the paper. Then I got up and started to sing it aloud, to see how it sounded, and I let myself drift away in the music…

_Loneliness is always looking for a friend_

_It found me once and it has been around since then_

_Loneliness is never waiting by the door_

_It sweeps right through and it will never be ignored_

_Why, why was I chosen?_

_Why am I left without?_

_The Love of my life, the love that I need_

_The love that they say is in life for free_

_The love of my dreams, the love that I want_

_Loneliness knows my by name_

_Loneliness knows everything I keep inside_

_My endless thoughts in the silence of the night_

_Loneliness is the one who made me see_

_Ain't nobody else who can make a change but me_

_Why, why was I chosen?_

_Why am I left without?_

_The Love of my life, the love that I need_

_The love that they say is in life for free_

The love of my dreams, the love that I want 

_Loneliness knows my by name_

_Less is more and that would be the vacant space_

_The cried out tears and a never ending maze_

_ I have found what only loneliness provides_

_A strength within knowing I will find_

_The love of my life, the love that I need_

The love that they say is in life for free 

_The love of my dreams, the love that I want_

_Loneliness knows my by name_

_The love of my life, the love that I need_

_The love that they say is in life for free_

_The love of my dreams, the love that I want_

_Loneliness knows my by name_

I stopped and smiled, feeling ready to leave when I heard a clapping behind me. I turned around so fast I almost fell and my eyes went wide when I saw who was doing the clapping. It was Tai. 

He was looking straight at me, with a look in his eyes I couldn't read and was clapping in an almost reverent way. The others were all staring at me, with expressions of wonder I have never saw on any of them. It was like I was some creature from another world. I was about to ask them what they were doing there when Tai spoke.

"It was beautiful Matt… Truly beautiful."

"Really? But for how long have you been there?"

"Long enough to hear your song Matt. We were looking for you; we were so worried."

"Joe is right, you had us all worried about you! Don't run away like that again! And come back with us, please? I'm sorry for earlier…"

"Don't be Tai. Don't be," I said with a small smile. 

Tai seemed puzzled for a second then smiled warmly back. I saw him take Sora's hand in his and tell the others to go back to our resting-place with the digimon. I followed them, feeling not quite so desperate about Tai not loving me. He was happy; it was enough for me. After all, there are plenty of boys on earth right? I will find one who will love me for who I am one day, I'm sure. It just wasn't suppose to be Tai…

OWARI 

Author's notes: Okaaaaaaaaaaaaay… Now that I reread this, I realised that it doesn't make much sense, does it? Anyway review please and tell me if I'm right to think this is trash and damn too depressive or if it's good enough to be read. Thanks for the people who will review this!


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